Hogwarts meets FanFiction
by Varietygirl9143
Summary: random, crazy, the internet and not just fanfiction anymore! do i honestly need to say anything more? title's selfexplanitory. rated 'T' for graphic randomness... OOCness. major silliness! r
1. FanFiction

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter… (Die, Peter Pettigrew, die!) and I also don't own the other user names and story titles and stuff like that.

Warning: Extreme random-ness! If you do not like random stuff… read it anyway… or don't read it, your choice really.

Note: if I used your story title or user name, that means I liked your stuff. It's a compliment. Capisca?

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Hermione, Ginny, Harry, and Ron were gathered around a computer. Dumbledore had had one installed in the Muggle Studies classroom. Hermione, being Muggle-born, had the mouse. Harry looked over her shoulder at the screen. Somehow, the Trio and Ginny had gotten to a site called Fan Fiction.

"What in the world--?" said Ron, voicing the thoughts of all.

"I think it's a site where obsessed Muggles write about their favorite fictional stuff," Hermione replied slowly, looking at the home page.

"For fun!" Ron said, as though the thought of writing anything for fun was mind-boggling.

"What's 'fictional'?" asked Ginny, trying to get closer.

"It's stuff that's not true," Harry explained, craning his neck to see around Hermione.

"Yeah, like Muggles being smart!" Joked Ron from somewhere behind Ginny.

"Hey!" exclaimed Hermione, whipping around in her chair to glare at Ron, "Retract that statement! I know plenty of Muggles that are smarter than you, including me!"

"It was just a joke, 'Mione," replied Ron, his ears turning red as Harry and Ginny dissolved in a fit of silent laughter beside him. Hermione ignored the other three and returned to exploring the site.

"What's this?" she said clicking on a link that read 'books'.

"Holy cow, that's a lot of books to chose from," Ron said, flabbergasted, "Hey, wait Hermione! Go back over there!" he pointed at the middle of the screen, "That says Harry Potter and it looks like it has a bunch of entries."

"Good job," squeaked Ginny, who was still giggling, "I didn't think you could read that well, Ron!"

"Very funny, Ginny. See how hard I'm laughing? Just click on it, Hermione," retorted Ron.

"Yeah, I want to see why I'm on here—I'm definitely real," Harry said, anxious to see what would come up onto the screen.

Hermione clicked on the link and titles and summaries filled the page almost immediately.

The Trio and Ginny scrolled down the page and many others like it, reading and commenting on the titles and screen names.

Hermione: 'Falling 4 U', hey, Harry that's about your parents!

Ginny: 'The Makeover', ew, that's about me and Malfoy!

Harry: 'Rebel for the Truth'? I didn't know Cedric Diggory had a cousin.

Hermione, Ginny and Ron: It's _fiction_, Harry.

Harry: Oh… right.

Ron: 'In the Shadow of the Moon'? What sort of stupid stuff could that be about?

Harry: 'My Greatest Mistake', oh, Never mind!

Ginny: 'Outcast'… whatever.

Ron: 'The Secret Life of Argus Filch'; HA! Filch doesn't have a life _now_!

Hermione: Hey this person's name is 'Not so sour lemons'… okkkk.

Ron: 'Iluveviyamis', ok that settles it, Muggles are officially cracked!

Ginny: Like they weren't before? Listen to these two: FanFicFanatick and Varietygirl9143; looks like they're friends. Click on the names, Hermione.

Hermione: Ok, let's see… FanFicFanatick… I hope they know they spelled 'fanatic' wrong.

All was quiet as Harry, Ron, Ginny and Hermione read the bios. When they had finished, strange looks were exchanged and thoughts and comments were pretty much kept to themselves. Except for Ron and Ginny.

"Muggles are weird. No offense, Hermione," Ron opined.

"Hermione, google Daniel Radcliffe and Orlando Bloom, I want to see is FanFicFanatick is right about them being super cute," Ginny said, giggling again.

"Girls," Harry and Ron said, rolling their eyes.

Hermione googled the actors and she and Ginny both stared at the pictures that had popped up.

"Oh my gosh, they're hot!" Hermione gasped.

"I wonder how old they are?" Ginny asked, open-mouthed.

"It says 16 and 29 respectively," Harry read.

"That means Daniel Radcliffe is mine!" Hermione decided.

"Good, that means I get Orlando Bloom!" Ginny replied, blissfully.

"You're not getting anyone!" Ron yelled defensively.

"Yeah, Orlando Bloom is older so _I_ get him," Hermione said, trying to sound sensible and failing miserably.

"Fine, I don't object to Danny," Ginny smiled broadly at the looks on Harry and Rons' faces.

"But I want them both." Hermione sounded crushed. (As if getting Orlando Bloom wasn't enough! HA!)

"Bigamy's only legal in the state of Utah!" Ron exclaimed in a last ditch attempt to distract the girls from the competition.

"What!" Everyone turned to look quizzically at Ron.

"That was the strangest thing I've heard in a while, mate," Harry said, moving a few inches further away from Ron, "I don't even want to ask how you knew that."

"Well, I--" began Ron.

"We don't want to know!" The other three interrupted. Ginny covered her ears and went back to gazing wistfully at the pictures. Hermione quickly joined her.

Harry shook his head—extremely confused as to why girls… do girly stuff, like look at pictures of actors. Then he turned and left the classroom; he was in the mood for some girl-free pumpkin juice in the girl-free boys dormitories.

Ron left soon after Harry did. He didn't know what he wanted; maybe he should just fill his brain with the random comments only a house-elf could utter.

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Like most every short and seemingly meaningless story, this has a moral. Here it is: girls will be girls, guys will never understand girls, Danny Radcliffe and Orlando Bloom are hot, the internet is chock full of many strange things, and my brain is full of random little one-shots like this one—some of which are so random the world isn't ready for them.

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If you like this and/or other random stuff, please review. If you didn't like this and want to tell me it sucks, feel free to review! The more the merrier! If you are confused by why I posted this or if you just like random stuff, I'd love to hear you're comments. Now go save the whales or whatever you like to do.

Anna


	2. The Unexpected Black Knight

Ok, I didn't think I'd be adding a second chapter to this, but I was suddenly "inspired" wink, wink in the middle of Geometry. What else can I say? Other than Geometry sucks….

If you've never played Black Knight ®, the link can be found in my bio.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything Harry Potter related (except the plot) and I don't own anything Black Knight related (except the plot). I do own (imagine that) the plot! But unfortunately, I'm not getting money for it. So basically, this plot has done nothing for me, except provide me with weird day-dreams for the remainder of my Geometry class.

**Note I: **thanks to those who reviewed the first chapter, it was much appreciated.

**Note II: **comments in **bold** are meant to be "reader comments", comments in _italics_ are meant to be my meaningless comments back to you (aka, the _reader_). Wow.

**Note III:** just remember that this isn't meant to be Dickens or some other work of literary genius. That's why it's on FanFiction! What a concept! So even if you think it's stupid, review anyway. Why? Because it's nice.

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Ron and Harry were sitting in front of the Hogwarts computer with bizarre looks on their faces. Every so often, they would burst out in maniacal laughter.

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'**Just what are they doing?**' you ask.

_Well, they are playing Black Knight._

'**Just what is Black Knight?**' you ask.

_Well, it's a game_.

'**Just what kind of game?**' you ask, rather annoyed that the author is making you go through a whole list of unnecessary questions.

_Well, it's a game that can be found on the internet. _

'**And?**' you prompt.

_It's lots of fun, you enforce the king's tax laws by whacking peasants with a club!_

'**Oh.**' you reply, saddened by the fact that there are people in the world (namely the author) who enjoy incredibly stupid, rather violent games like that.

_They're not stupid._

'**I never said they were!**'

_But you thought it. I'm very disappointed in you._

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Harry and Ron were in the midst of laughing maniacally when the girls (aka, Hermione and Ginny) came into the classroom.

"There you are! We've been looking all over for you," Hermione said, coming over to see what the boys were doing.

"Well, we said we'd be in the Muggle Studies classroom," Harry replied distractedly, busy trying to whack a particularly fast moving peasant.

"Yeah, geez, 'Mione, don't get your panties in a twist!" Ron said, clicking frantically away with the mouse.

(A/N: ever notice how Ron has some generic lines that FanFiction authors somehow always feel compelled to toss into their work? Well, "don't get your panties in a twist" is unfortunately one of them.)

"What? Ron, that was one of the more stupid comments you've ever made," Ginny said dryly.

"Yeah? Well, I felt oddly compelled to say it," Ron replied.

"RON, SHE'S GETTING AWAY!" Harry shouted in his friend's ear, causing him to go temporarily deaf.

Ron twisted around to face the screen, and clicked madly on the hunch-backed old lady, making his rock-crushing hero whack her with his club.

Ginny peaked over the boys' shoulders.

"Strangely, that club is more attractive than anything else on the screen…." She muttered to Hermione.

"Ugh, guys, that's really bad animation, do you have to play that when we're right here?" Hermione pleaded, pulling on Ron's arm and causing the rock-crushing hero to miss the 'Cute and Furry Shoppe' wildly.

"HERMIONE!" both boys turned to her, fuming, as their rock-crushing hero got 'ye old pink slip'.

"Relax, guys, it's just a game," Ginny said, rolling her eyes.

Ron and Harry wheeled to face Ginny, "Just a game? Just a _game_?!? How can you speak such blasphemous words, Ginny? HOW???"

"'Cause it's just a gam--"

"WE WERE ON LEVEL 15! AND THEN YOU TWO CAME IN AND RUINED IT!"

Hermione pulled Ginny over to a far desk for a little 'conference.'

"Alright, obviously the boys are completely mad when it comes to this game--"

"IT'S NOT JUST A GAME!"

"—shut up! But anyway, we need to get them out of here so we can look at those pictures again." (A/N: refer to chapter 1 if needed)

"Goody! Dibs on Orlando," Ginny sighed, drooling slightly.

Hermione rolled her eyes and the girls went back over to the boys who, in the girls' absence, had started a new game of Black Knight.

They played fiercely for a few minutes, but then looked up at each other, grinned evilly, and said, "How 'bout you girls play for a few minutes? Just to try it out."

"Fine." Ginny replied for them both.

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Two hours and multiple games later, Harry and Ron had gotten the girls just as addicted as they were.

Ginny now found joy in flattening old men, and Hermione had learned the definition of 'fun.'

As the girls fought over who got to play the next game, Harry and Ron high-fived and whispered a single phrase:

"Mission accomplished."

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Ok, I know that was really strange but that's how my brain works in Geometry. Sad, but true.

Review and then **Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!**

If you want the translation, you have to PM me or review. MUAHAHAHA! You're choice.

Anna


	3. Oooh, a cell phone Part 1

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing except this awesomely awesome plot.

**Note I**: Ok, I know that Black Knight and all the other crazy stuff I'm writing about have absolutely nothing to do with FanFiction. But you know what? I really don't care.

**Note II**: thanks to those who reviewed. You guys rock!

I own the Python's cheese shop: you little freak. My gosh, you're in my room telling me to hurry up and install the Sims ®.

Megsy42: Glad you like it!

C K Brook: well, since I'm updating now, I'm guessing the answer would be… yes! And yeah, random is my life.

OtherwiseKnownAsOli: thanks for reviewing! I seem to have a talent for random/funny stuff. But I'm not complaining!

FanFicFanatick: thanks… I guess. "Ye old and smelly mushroom head"? Betsy, you scare me sometimes….

iLOLlotz: --grumbles-- stupid smile-ys. Hehe, thanks for reviewing!

Mina1011: thanks! I try to be as original as possible, but then again, it's hard for anyone to reach the level of disturbing thoughts I have…. --shivers--

if anyone cared: lol! Glad you liked the chap, I assure you, there's plenty more where it came from.

**Note III**: For those who I didn't PM or anything, "Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!" means "let's all wear mood rings!" Literally. Honestly. 10 points to OtherwiseKnownAsOli for getting it right!

**Note IV**: Again, _italicized_ comments are my comments, **bold **comments are reader comments.

**Note V**: I've got to cut down on notes…. Oh, sorry.

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Ginny was wandering the corridors of Hogwarts in quite an aimless fashion.

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'**Why is she wandering the corridors of Hogwarts in such an aimless fashion?**' you ask, annoyed that the author has again tricked you into this silly game of questions and answers.

_Why? Well I'll tell you why! Ginny has just become the proud owner of a new cell phone, who's brand name will not be mentioned here because I'd have to write another disclaimer._

'**But a cell phone wouldn't work at Hogwarts! It says so in Hogwarts: A History!**' you proclaim, triumphant in your supposed defeat of the Supreme Authoress.

Little do you realize that I have at least one more trick up the sleeves of my Supreme Authoress shirt!

_Haven't you been paying attention? For the last two chapters _computers_ have worked at Hogwarts! Why shouldn't cell phones work? Hmm? _

'**Oh. Well even if a cell phone did work, you wouldn't get very good reception!**' you reply in a last ditch attempt to salvage what's left of your pride.

_Which brings us back to why Ginny was wandering the corridors of Hogwarts in such an aimless fashion. Ha! I've run rings around you logically._

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Ginny slumped down against a suit of armor at the end of one particularly long corridor. (A/N: "where" is of no importance.)

"It's no use!" she groaned. "I'll never get good reception at Hogwarts. Darn you, stupid school!"

Little did Ginny know that darning the school would only bring the Governors down upon her. MUAHAHAHA!

Crack!

Crack!

Crack!

Crack!

Crack!

Crack!

Crack!

Crack!

Crack!

Crack!

Crack!

Crack!

All twelve of the Governors apperated into the corridor right in front of poor Ginny.

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'**But they can't apperate inside the school! Haven't you ever read Hogwarts: A History?**'

_That's beside the point. Now it's _my_ story, I can do whatever I darn well please with it!_

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"Ginny Weasley, are charged with darning the hallowed walls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," a particularly wrinkled Governor intoned. "Read her her rights, Lucius."

The aforementioned Mr. Malfoy was busy digging in his pockets for the aforementioned Miranda card.

"Lucius? Having problems?" Another equally wrinkled Governor asked in a high squeaky voice.

'_I know that voice…_' Ginny thought. '_How do I know that voice?_'

Then it hit her.

"OH MY GOSH, YOU'RE DELORES UMBRIDGE!"

Ginny jumped up and pulled at the second wrinkly Governor's face, revealing after several sharp tugs the toad-like features of Delores Umbridge.

Everyone froze momentarily.

Then suddenly, another wrinkly Governor pulled at his face. It came off in mere seconds, revealing —

"OH MY GOSH, YOU'RE EX-MINISTER FUDGE!"

Fudge and Umbridge threw themselves upon each other, crooning all the way.

"Oh, Delores!"

"Oh, Corny!"

"Oh, Delores!"

"Oh, Corny!"

"Oh, Delores!"

"Oh, Corny!"

Meanwhile, Ginny and the other eight Governors with half a decent brain proceeded to try and gouge their eyes out.

Lucius, however, didn't get it.

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Like most meaningless—yet somehow entertaining—stories, this does have a moral. Several morals, actually.

**The first**: don't come to me for a normal fanfic.

**The second**: no matter what anyone says, Umbridge and Fudge should NEVER try to make passionate love to each other. EVER.

**The third**: there are way too many wrinkly, old Governors….

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This is part 1 of the cell phone part of the story. I'm still working on part 2. Never fear! I will update soon! I swear.

**In the mean time**, feel free to review. In fact, feel **obligated** to review. Please and thank you!

Now, since I like to leave you with stuff to ponder, I have a joke for you. Which I will not answer unless you review! MUAHAHAHA!

The joke: Why can't lepers play hockey?

(You can blame my dad for this one, he told it to me last night and I cracked up. Sad but true.)

Adieu til next time,

veggies, the Supreme Authoress


	4. Oooh, a cell phone Part 2

**Disclaimer**: don't own Harry Potter. Duh.

**Note I**: thanks to my reviewers. Cookie for you!

Delilah Evans: I'd feel sorry for anyone who has to witness Fudge and Umbridge doing unmentionable things!

dr. pepperholic: see? I got it right!

I own the Python's cheese shop: yes, the supreme authoress.

FanFicFanatick: fine, I'll be more specific next time. Be fore-warned: now you've asked for it!

wolfonaleash: gotta love that game! Hehe. I'm hyper too.

**Note II**: the answer to why don't lepers play hockey? Because there might be a face off. It's stupid. But I was out for a few minutes laughing crazy hard. I have the sneaking suspicion that I had a sugar high….

**Note III**: sorry if this chapter seems a bit fast pace. I couldn't help it, I wanted to escape from the whole "corny/delores" thing ASAP.

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_Fudge and Umbridge threw themselves upon each other, crooning all the way._

"_Oh, Delores!"_

"_Oh, Corny!"_

"_Oh, Delores!"_

"_Oh, Corny!"_

"_Oh, Delores!"_

"_Oh, Corny!"_

_Meanwhile, Ginny and the other eight Governors with half a decent brain proceeded to try and gouge their eyes out._

_Lucius, however, didn't get it._

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"I don't get it…. Why is everyone trying to gouge their eyes out? You're going to get blood and gory substances on my robes; I just had them laundered," Lucius whined.

Ginny turned to the first wrinkly Governor that she could get to, "How could you guys make _him_ a Governor? Normal people just don't act like that!"

The Governor nodded sourly, "We have now seen the error of our ways…."

"And…?"

The Governor stroked his chin solemnly.

"Get the Want Ads!" he wheezed.

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Ginny was trapped.

She couldn't escape.

The poor girl was surrounded by wrinkly old Governors, helping them compose… _a want ad._

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'**Why on earth is she _helping _the very people who are making her extremely unhappy?**'

_She has no choice, she's trapped. It's a hostage situation. _

'**Well, why isn't she making any effort to escape?**'

_I just said, she _couldn't _escape. And it's kinda in her best interests to get un-arrested. _

'**How on earth is she going to get unarrested?**'

_Sigh, do I have to explain everything?_

'**Frankly, yes.**'

_Well I don't feel like it. BACK TO THE STORY!_

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Ginny was bored.

She was sick of writing draft upon draft of want ads for the wrinkly Governors.

"Guys, seriously, this is fine. It's descriptive and informative—"

"No! We're far from done!"

"That's right! Read us what we have so far, will you?"

Ginny sighed.

"Fine. _Wanted: Three persons interested in filling the position of Governor to the school of Hogwarts. Must not be Delores Umbridge, Cornelius Fudge, Lucius Malfoy, a homosexual, fat, a pansy, a recovering alcoholic, a recovering drug addict, skilled at all in the ways of metal-working, or any combination of the above._"

The Governors looked thoughtful for a moment. Then one of them piped up, "Remind me why we put in the metal-working part?"

"Because," a particularly wrinkly one explained, "you can never be too careful. Metal-working can be quite dangerous."

Ginny resorted to the age-old problem-solver, banging her head on the table.

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An hour later, Ginny had a concussion.

A big concussion.

The Governors gazed in morbid fascination at the _really_ big concussion. They couldn't look away.

Quite frankly, Ginny found this abnormal behavior rather disturbing.

So, she proceeded to run out of the Great Hall, were she was being kept a prisoner, up the staircases to whatever floor the Gryffindor Tower was on, into the Gryffindor common room, and finally, fled to her dormitory.

Unfortunately, the wrinkly Governors followed.

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'**Why?**'

_Because they were unable to tear their eyes away from the sight of Ginny's concussion. That's why._

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Fortunately, Ginny was able to trap the Governors in the Gryffindor broom closet, which the students frequently used for the purpose of making out.

Thus the crucial hostage situation was reversed.

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Now, you're probably wondering how the heck I'm going to figure out a plausible moral for this chapter. The answer? I'm not. I mean, come on, when have my morals ever been plausible? NEVER!

But, nevertheless, I will figure out some way to include a moral or two.

Hmmmm….

Ahh, got some!

**The first**: When in need, threaten wrinkly Governors with stories of your skills in metal-working.

**The second**: When Fudge and Umbridge do decide that the planets have aligned enough to allow for passionate love making, run and hide. And leave them alone for a few hours. --Bad mental images!--

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Again, feel obligated to review. Unless, of course, you are **FanFicFanatick**, in which case you must feel obligated to review _nicely_ and include how much you love and adore my wonderfully random fics.

Now, for the habitual thing I leave you with: What's green and smells like paint?

Review!

luv, veggies


	5. My Red shiny iPod Part 1

Note: Ok, this chapter was written while on Benadryl. wOOt. Hehe, yeah, so, any stuff that's stranger than usual, don't blame me, blame the cold meds. Or the chicken noodle soup. Or the fever of 100.2….

And I'm soooo sorry that I haven't updated! Forgive me?

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Apple Inc. It's a bit depressing really.

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Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting in the Gryffindor common room.

Well, at least Harry and Hermione were sitting.

Ron was too busy dancing.

Now you must understand: Ron wasn't dancing to some tuneless song running through his head. Oh no. He was listening to songs on his brand new iPod.

Now you must understand: Ron wasn't listening to some wacky, second-hand iPod. Oh no. He was listening to one of those really slick looking red ones.

"Ron, where'd you get that—thing?" Harry asked in a would-be casual voice.

Ron didn't hear him.

The volume was up too high to allow him to listen to his unimportant friends ask him unimportant – and somewhat redundant—questions.

"Ron!" Harry said a bit louder.

Ron still didn't hear him.

The volume was up much too high to allow for him to listen to run-on sentences describing how his unimportant friends were asking him unimportant—and somewhat redundant—questions.

"RON!" Hermione screamed, causing Harry to cover his ears and finally catching Ron's attention.

"What?" he said, almost irritably, pausing mid-song to listen to his unimportant friends ask him unimportant questions.

"Where'd you get that—thing?" Harry repeated, again in a would-be casual voice.

"This is an iPod, Harry," Ron explained in a mockingly patient voice.

"And? Where'd you get it?"

"Honestly, Harry, you're not very bright today are you?" Ron said in a voice that sounded creepily like Draco Malfoy's.

"Hey!" Harry said, leaping up from the couch and looking like he was about to cry.

Hermione sighed, boys were _so_ immature.

"Ron, don't insult the people you call friends. Especially not when they're always saving your pathetic little butt from everything. Harry, suck it up! Just because Ron's being a git doesn't mean that gives you license to cry," Hermione said firmly, sounding for all the world like Mrs. Weasley. "Honestly!"

Then Hermione contented herself with grumbling about those in the room who had the emotional range of a teaspoon.

Harry looked at her indignantly, "I don't have the emotional range of a teaspoon! I happen to have the emotional range of a tablespoon! Gosh, get it _right_!"

Hermione raised her eyebrow at him.

Ron went back to his iPod.

Harry sat back down on the couch and folded his arms, pouting attractively.

Hermione rolled her eyes at him.

Harry deepened his pout, sticking his lower lip out a _long_ way.

Hermione sighed deeply, "All right! I can't stand it anymore! You know I can't resist you when you pout at me like that, Harry!"

Harry grinned evilly at Ron (who was gaping at him) over Hermione's shoulder as she threw herself onto his lap.

"Hold me and never let go!" Hermione ordered shrilly, in a voice quite unlike her own.

"With pleasure, beautiful!" Harry said sensually, wrapping his arms around her waist.

Ron continued to gape at the two on the couch.

Ron then gasped and covered his eyes as Hermione began to whisper sweet –if not provocative—nothings into Harry's ear.

Then Ron realized that he really had no need to cover his eyes: he could pick up some useful techniques for when he was with Lavender and besides, it wasn't like he could _hear_ his two best friends. The volume on his iPod was too high!

But then he gasped and covered his eyes again as Harry put Hermione into an… unknown… position.

Just then Ginny walked boldly into the common room.

"WHAT THE EFF?" She roared, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT WHORE DOING WITH MY BOYFRIEND?"

Ron shook his head mutely.

Ginny stormed over to Harry and Hermione, ripped them apart and shouted, "Bastard!" in Harry's face.

Harry looked innocently up at his girlfriend, "Hey beautiful!"

"DON'T YOU DARE 'HEY BEAUTIFUL' ME!"

"Don't you understand, Sugar-pie? She came onto _me_!" Harry said naively, pouting attractively once more.

Ginny gasped, believing every word she heard. "She didn't!"

"Oh but she did." Harry said morosely.

"My poor Cupcake!" Ginny purred, sitting down next to him.

Behind their backs, Ron made retching gestures.

Hermione sat dejectedly in an armchair by the fire, watching Harry and Ginny (who were busy attacking each other) longingly.

Ron made his way up to the boys' dormitory.

"Can you believe them?" he asked Crookshanks, who had taken up residence in his open trunk.

Crookshanks looked at him with lamp-like eyes and adjusted himself in Ron's dirty boxers.

"I mean seriously!" Ron continued, pacing in front of his bed. "How could I not know that Harry's in the running for the 'World's Biggest Player' award?"

A voice in Ron's head (that sounded suspiciously like the Hermione he was used to) answered him almost immediately.

_It's because you're absolutely clueless, Ron._

"I am not!" he said defensively, looking at the spot on the ceiling he thought the voice had come from.

"Yes you are." Said a new voice, sadly. "But I can help you get rid of your two scene-stealing, unimportant friends."

"Wh—who are you?" Ron asked, shaking enough to rival a leaf in a hurricane.

"I am Big V. Surely you've heard of me?" said the voice.

"You sound kind of familiar, I suppose…" Ron said, looking around in confusion for the origin of the voice.

"I'm over here, you twit."

"Crookshanks?"

"I'm not _Crookshanks_, you idiot. I'm Big V.!"

"But you look an awful lot like Crookshanks," Ron replied warily, giving the cat (_Big V_., he reminded himself) the evil eye.

"Who do you trust more: the voice in your head or the talking cat who sounds vaguely familiar?" said the aforementioned talking cat.

"Hmm, good question…." Ron said thoughtfully. "I guess I trust you more, Big V. I mean, come on, can I really trust the voice in my head who sounds like the friend I just found out is having an affair with my other best friend who's dating my sister?"

Crookshanks, aka Big V., gave him a weird look. "Right."

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TBC

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Omg, can you believe it?! I've finally updated! Not to mention Ron's about to ally himself with the mysterious (or not so mysterious) Big V.

Guess who it is?!

I'm sure you all can.

Now, review! It'll make me feel better, _hint hint_.


	6. My Red shiny iPod Part 2

Ok, this time I'm not blaming anything like chicken soup. This time it's Mars Bars and rum-filled chocolates, which incidentally are really good. And yes, for those of you wondering, I am under-age. ::yum:: rum chocolates….

Disclaimer: you really think JKR is this crazy? Yeah, don't own it. Again, don't own Apple stuff. Or the music I mention.

Warning: this is NOT turning into a song fic. But for this chapter, it was painfully necessary for me to put in lyrics.

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Ron was blissful.

Big V. had really hooked him up! He had ditched his ratty old rags in favor of the much more stylish robes Big V. had gotten him. They were red and matched his iPod. Needless to say, he was thrilled beyond words.

"Go on," Big V. urged him, "Try it out. I think you'll find singing much more enjoyable when you have better clothes on. Oh, and when you're done, burn your old rags. They're hideous, and those colors! Were you blind when you chose them? They clash horribly."

Ron cocked his head to the side, determined not to roll his eyes at the talking cat in front of him. That would be a very bad idea. Very bad indeed, seeing as the cat's claws were long enough to maul him to pieces.

"You done yet?" he finally had to ask. It was getting boring, just standing here, listening to a _cat_ go on about how his clothes clashed with his hair.

Big V. cleared his throat.

"Yes, I'm _done_. Carry on."

"Right."

Ron took a deep breath before singing some scales.

Though, singing isn't the right word.

He _mutilated _the scales.

And the arpeggios.

Big V. winced. This was going to be harder than he thought.

"Er, Ron? Your… robes need to… be adjusted, that's it. Your robes need to be adjusted."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I'll come fix them." The tabby padded over to Ron and began pulling at the back of his robes.

Ron sighed happily. He was so lucky to have Big V. looking after him. Harry and Hermione _obviously_ didn't care about him anymore, and there was no way that Ron Weasley of all people would play the third-wheel.

Suddenly Ron shrieked loudly, Big V. had jabbed a pin into the back of his thigh.

Big V. hissed (quite literally) at Ron, who took it as a sign to be quiet.

The cat went back to messing with Ron's new robes. But what Ron didn't know was that it had been no pin that Big V. had jabbed into his thigh.

It had been Big V.'s magic claw. The third one from the left, on his right paw; yes, that was his magic claw.

Very few knew that without his magic claw, Big V. was almost completely, utterly, absolutely, positively, undeniably, indubitably, without a doubt, definitely, nearly powerless.

Yes, he needed his magic claw.

Big V. stalked prissily over to Ron's trunk, tail held high. He jumped delicately up onto the top of the trunk, turned around, and order Ron once more to sing.

This time, when Ron opened his mouth actual notes came out. Big V. grinned toothily.

"Ron, my boy, it's time to go public."

---

A sign in the Gryffindor Common Room had caught the attention of everyone. Even Harry and Hermione.

"_Live Tonight Only! Ron Weasley Sings Pop! Come One, Come All, But Only If You Can Afford It! With Special Guest Albus Dumbledore."_

"What the—?" Harry stopped mid-sentence. "Ron can't sing."

"Which is exactly why we're all attending!" Dean Thomas said, gesturing to the crowd of Gryffindors around him. "We're all willing to pay to hear Ron sing… well."

"I'm not sure if that will happen…." Hermione said worriedly.

"Oh stop your worrying, Hermione!" Seamus Finnegan shouted in his lilting Irish voice. "You're always worrying! Worry, worry, worry! Geez, woman! Give it a break!"

Hermione gaped at Seamus.

Dean gaped at Hermione.

Harry gaped at the notice again.

"Special Guest Albus _Dumbledore_?"

"Yeah, Harry," Hermione turned her attention to her friend. "You didn't know Dumbledore's first name was Albus?"

"No, I knew _that_. I didn't know he could sing."

"We live in a life full of mysteries," Dean said philosophically.

Harry, Hermione, and Seamus nodded thoughtfully, pondering their fellow Gryffindor's wisdom.

"Dude," Seamus said, his accent painfully evident. "That's deep."

"And it sounds oddly like a fortune cookie," Hermione said slowly.

---

Ron was nervous.

To any average eye, he looked calm, cool, and collected.

To a better-trained eye, he looked ready to hurl.

He had his new robes on (red, that matched his iPod!); he had his iPod (red, that matched his robes!); he had his lucky boxers (red, to match both his iPod and his robes!); and most importantly, he had Big V.

He could hear Dumbledore finishing up his song.

"Take heed 'cause I'm a lyrical poet 

_Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it _

_My town that created all the bass sound _

_Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground _

_'Cause my style's like a chemical spill _

_Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel _

_Conducted and formed _

_This is a hell of a concept _

_We make it hype and you want to step with this _

_Shay plays on the fade slice like a ninja _

_Cut like a razor blade so fast other DJs say damn _

_If my rhyme was a drug I'd sell it by the gram _

_Keep my composure when it's time to get loose _

_Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice _

_If there was a problem yo I'll solve it _

_Check out the hook while Shay revolves it _

_Ice ice baby vanilla _

_Ice ice baby (oh-oh) vanilla _

_Ice ice baby vanilla _

_Ice ice baby vanilla ice _

_Yo man let's get out of here _

_Word to your mother _

_Ice ice baby too cold _

_Ice ice baby too cold too cold _

_Ice ice baby too cold too cold_

_Ice ice baby"_

And the old man wasn't bad.

The Gryffindors loved him.

The Common Room was filled with the sounds of cheering minors.

Big V., however, was not cheering.

"They think that's music? We'll show them! You show 'em, Ron, my boy! Show them what you've got! You're better than any old man would-be rapper!"

Ron's turned a delicate shade of pink.

"You really think so?"

Big V. licked his paw elegantly, "I _know_ so."

As ready as he'd ever be, Ron stepped out onto the makeshift stage.

As Dumbledore stepped off, Ron shouted, "GOOD EVENING, GRYFFINDOR! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?"

He was greeted by excited screams of "yes!" and "yeah, baby!"

So, encouraged by this greeting, he began. Tuning his iPod to the right song, he plugged it into the disc player that Dumbledore had used.

"_Baby, can't you see_

_I'm calling_

_A guy like you_

_Should wear a warning_

_It's dangerous_

_I'm fallin'_

_There's no escape_

_I can't wait_

_I need a hit_

_Baby, give me it_

_You're dangerous_

_I'm lovin' it_

_Too high_

_Can't come down_

_Losing my head_

_Spinning 'round and 'round_

_Do you feel me now"_

Ron was getting into the groove. He sounded good! He began the refrain with renewed energy: 

"_With a taste of your lips_

_I'm on a ride_

_You're toxic I'm slipping under_

_With a taste of a poison paradise_

_I'm addicted to you_

_Don't you know that you're toxic_

_And I love what you do_

_Don't you know that you're toxic_

_It's getting late_

_To give you up_

_I took a sip_

_From my devil's cup—"_

An angry chant pulled him from his groove.

Big V. was behind the stage curtain, frowning as only a cat can frown.

Ron listened closely.

"Bring back Dumbledore! Bring back Dumbledore! Bring back Dumbledore! Give us real music!"

Ron burst into tears.

_They didn't like him!_

Big V. trotted angrily out onto the stage.

"ENOUGH!"

The crowd quieted.

"YOU WILL LISTEN AND YOU WILL OBEY!"

The crowd of Gryffindors was suddenly in some sort of mindless trance.

"We will listen and we will obey…."

"YOU WILL FEAR ME!"

"We will fear you…."

"I AM LORD VOLDEMORT!"

"You are Lord Voldemort…."

"OK, THAT'S GETTING ANNOYING!"

"Ok, that's getting annoying…."

"STOP IT THIS INSTANT!"

"Stop it this instant…."

"ARGH!"

"Argh…"

"OH, BLOODY HELL."

"Oh, bloody hell…."

"SHUT UP!"

"Shut up…."

Ron's eyes widened.

"You're… _You-know-who?_"

"Who?" The cat replied.

"You-know-who. You know him, right?"

"No…."

"You're kidding, right? You don't know You-know-you?"

"I haven't the slightest idea of what you're talking about!"

"You really don't know You-know-how, do you?" Ron said, flabbergasted that one could not know how You-know-who was. _Honestly_.

"I AM LORD VOLDEMORT!" the cat screamed.

And then it clicked.

"OH MY GAWD! YOU'RE YOU-KNOW-WHO!" Ron screamed back at the cat.

"I'm not this You-know-how person, alright? I'm LORD VOLDEMORT!"

"Exactly. You're You-know-who."

"No, I'm LORD VOLDEMORT!"

"No, you're You-know-who!"

And so Ron and He-Who-Must-Be-In-Denial got into one of the most fantastic shouting matches Hogwarts has ever seen.

Meanwhile, the other Gryffindors were totally oblivious to what was happening around them. Occasionally, one of them would repeat something that ::ahem:: _Lord Voldemort_ had said, but mostly they just stood there in a hypnotic sort of way.

Meanwhile, Dumbledore came back out onto the stage. No one noticed him as Ron and We-Know-Who-But-He-Doesn't were totally engrossed in their argument and the rest of the Gryffindors were… drooling.

So, unbeknownst to everyone, Dumbledore knelt down and began clipping the cat's claws off one by one. Finally, he came to the third one from the left, on the right paw and clipped it off, just like all the others.

The cat, aka _Lord Voldemort_, screeched loudly and then began to wither right in front of everyone.

"NOOOOOOOO! I'm melting!"

Harry leapt up onto the stage.

"Thanks very much for, er, un-hypnotizing us, Professor. But I am _Harry Potter_, I'd feel like a bit of a failure if I didn't live up to everyone's standards and at least curse Voldemort a teeny tiny bit."

"Of course, Harry!" Dumbledore said, blue eyes twinkling madly. "Be my guest!"

"With pleasure," Harry replied sadistically.

He raised his wand and yelled, "Rictusempra!"

Immediately the Dark Lord began wheezing with laughter, "Noooo — hehe — I'm mel — haha! — no, no mo— more! — haha! — it TICKLES!"

"Serves you right too," Harry said exultantly.

Finally, _Lord Voldemort_ was tickled into submission.

Ron was still heart-broken because of the loss of his mentor.

Hermione told him he'd get over it.

"Professor?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"How did you know what would weaken Voldemort?"

"Oh, Harry, how naïve you are! Everyone knows that all cats are weakened dramatically if you cut off their magic claw! It's the third one from the left, on their right paw, of course."

---

And now for our morals:

**Don't try to find your cat's magic claw. **It's just not smart….

**Do NOT cut off said magic claw. **Again, it's not advised. You could get seriously hurt and I don't want that.

**Don't ever let Ron sing….** Do I have to explain this one?

---

Ok, I just realized that I didn't put a joke in last time…. How's this: _**What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?**_

Yes, it's juvenile. And yes, I still find it funny.

And the songs I used? Don't own 'em. Not even on my iPod. In order they were: Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice & Toxic by Brittney Spears. Heh, I put in Ice Ice Baby just for my brother… he hates it.

So yeah… I updated! And I gave you a nice long chapter to make up for it! So now it's your turn to be nice. That means review! And guess what it's my b-day soon! I'm going to be 16… holy crap. And you know what I want more than anything from you guys? REVIEWS! Hint hint. :D


	7. Back to FanFiction

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed! At the risk of sounding just like everyone else, getting positive reviews are always a great motivator for me to write faster. Though like I've said before, I don't update this on a regular basis, as I'm not random on demand. I do try, but it doesn't work so well.**

**Anyway, we're back to the old FanFiction! I received a… request… for another chapter of our favorite Trio to read some very ship-y fiction. So here goes…. Anyone else who wants to request a certain theme is welcome to do so, just realize that I can't do all of them and some of them might not fit with what I want to do with this fic.**

**Special Note: the mini-fanfics in here are **_**meant**_** to be awful. The misspellings are done on purpose. I own them. (But nothing else obviously.) And for those of you thick enough to need to hear this: I won't be making the mini-fics **_**real**_** fics and they will not be updated in any way, shape, or form. **

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Hermione hunched in front of the computer, making sure that no one could see what she was reading. She was back on that strange fan fiction site, reading some very, _very_ strange fan fiction.

She gasped loudly.

"Oh my gawd, my eyes!" she shouted suddenly.

Everyone else in the room looked at her oddly.

She blushed.

"Sorry everybody…. Nothing to see here; move along, that's right. I'm not doing anything of interest!" Hermione said brightly, her voice pitched a few tones higher than normal.

Harry and Ginny stood in the corner of the room, looking suspiciously at Hermione's hunched back.

"It's not like Hermione to hide anything from us like that…" Harry said, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

Ginny giggled.

"Maybe she's reading something naughty!"

"Well I know a way we can find out!" Harry replied, thoroughly curious yet still repulsed by the thought of Hermione – a certified prude—reading anything remotely naughty.

Harry whipped out his invisibility cloak, which was conveniently sitting in the back pocket of his jeans.

"Ta-da!"

"Oh Harry! You're so clever, and smart, and resourceful, and funny, and… you're just perfect, Harry!" Ginny cooed, latching on to Harry's arm.

Harry rolled his eyes and threw the cloak over them.

They walked quietly over to the computer Hermione was sitting at. Ginny stepped on Harry's foot – hard—and he had to bite his lip to keep from crying out. Ginny must have put on some extra weight over the summer.

_That goes on the list of things that I never, ever tell Ginny, _Harry thought immediately. He was rather attached to his nose after all. He had no intention of giving Ginny a reason to use her infamous Bat-boogey Hex.

The invisible pair crept over toward the computer, taking great care not to step on the multiple squeaky floorboards.

They stopped directly behind Hermione's chair and gazed over her shoulder at the web page.

She was back on that crazy FanFiction site.

_Bad Hermione._

Harry craned his neck to read over Hermione's bushy head.

-

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_**Harry and Draco walked hand in hand through the Forbidden Forest. They stopped suddenly and Draco flicked his wand at the treetops. Snow began to fall gently upon the heads of the two boys. **_

"_**Oh Draco!" Harry squealed. "It's **_**so**_** romantic!"**_

"_**Anything for you, my darling."**_

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Ginny's jaw dropped.

Harry started twitching rather violently.

Apparently Hermione was disgusted as well, for she quickly exited the page and moved on to a new one.

Harry and Ginny looked on again.

-

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**"O, Severus, u r such a sxy beast!" hermione gigled.**

** The Poshun's Master grinnd sinestrly. "So i m told, my deer."**

-

-

Hermione clicked the 'back' button faster than Harry had previously thought possible.

Beside him, he heard Ginny mutter, "That was one of the most disgusting things I've ever had the misfortune to see…."

Harry agreed whole-heartedly with her. He was ready to vomit then and there.

"Ginny, I can't do this," he whispered hoarsely. "This is just sick and wrong; I can't take it anymore! I'm leaving."

Ginny grabbed Harry's arm, pulling him back toward herself before he could get away.

"Harry, remember the Reviewers! Do it for the Reviewers, Harry! Be strong!" she said into his ear.

Harry wiggled a finger in his damaged right ear, trying to regain some of the hearing.

Suddenly a noise sounded from in front of them.

"Hmm," said a very curious-sounding Hermione.

-

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"_**Oh, Ron, it's just what I always wanted!"**_

"_**I know, Luna. You wouldn't believe how hard it is for an underage wizard to obtain Pixie pellets."**_

_**The two lovers cuddled closer as Luna continued to express her happiness about her Christmas present. Ron began to play with her radish earring, eliciting a giggle from his girlfriend.**_

-

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"That's just…. Wow," said a new voice.

"Who was that?" Ginny said, looking around desperately.

Harry shifted slightly and pulled another invisibility cloak off the new somebody that the new voice belonged to.

The newly discovered new somebody whose new voice it was, happened to be…

Dun!

Dun!

Dun!

Draco Malfoy!

"Move over, Granger."

"What?" Hermione said, seemly unsurprised that Draco Malfoy had appeared out of nowhere next to her. "No mudblood comment?"

Harry and Ginny quietly stepped back. Then they decided that they had nothing better to do, so they went to the Room of Requirement and had a HUGE snog-fest and invited all their friends and they all shagged like rabbits. 'Cause Dumbledore's cool with that. Not. He broke into the Room of Requirement and stopped the snog-fest before it escalated into a shag-fest and he gave everyone detention. 'Cause that's how Dumbledore rolls.

"Well I figure if everyone—"

"Not everyone!" Hermione interrupted.

"Fine, not everyone. But since many people—"

"It's actually not very many… I think it's more of a strong minority population."

"FINE! Since there's a strong minority population on this fanfiction site of yours that believes that, despite our differences, we two are soul mates in every conceivable way and that our relationship feeds off the anger and angst of our pervious school years, giving it a sexual edge that horny teenagers find so amusing, I think that we should give it a try," Draco said calmly.

"Give what a try?" Hermione asked.

Draco gave her a weird look, akin to the look your mother gives you when you use the phrase "off the hook" and she has no clue what you're talking about. The look she gives you right before she asks you to _please_ use normal English, she did not raise you on the streets. Yeah, that look.

"What are we trying?" Hermione asked again. "Your run-on sentence and poor form made it impossible for me to comprehend the true meaning of that sentence."

"FINE! I'll spell it out for you, Granger," Draco said impatiently. "I t-h-i-n-k we s-h-o-u-l-d try what the r-e-v-i-e-w-e-r-s think is a f-a-n-t-a-s-t-i-c romance."

Hermione's eyes widened. "You mean, we should try being – _romantically involved?_"

"Exactly."

"Ok."

And so they kissed.

Harry and Ginny quietly stepped back. Then they decided that they had nothing better to do, so they went to the Room of Requirement and had a HUGE snog-fest and invited all their friends and they all shagged like rabbits. 'Cause Dumbledore's cool with that. Not. He broke into the Room of Requirement and stopped the snog-fest before it escalated into a shag-fest and he gave everyone detention. 'Cause that's how Dumbledore rolls.

And so, pretending that the sentence about Draco and Hermione kissing and then this sentence (which is really badly written) had not been interrupted, at the end of the school year, they got married.

'Cause, you know, Dumbledore's cool with marriage ceremonies combined with graduation.

As long as the bride wears black for graduation and makes a quick change into white for the wedding and Dumbledore can be in ALL the wedding photos.

But yeah, he's cool with it.

And that is the TRUE story of how Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger became Draco Malfoy and Hermione Malfoy (which doesn't sound weird at all), defying all canon rules and blatantly disregarding Hermione/Ron shippers' protests.

THE END

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Hermione blinked.

"That has got to be the weirdest thing I've ever read."

-

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-

**To clear things up, because I know I'll get questions: Except for the last two sentences, this whole chapter was a story that Hermione was reading. All of it. Harry and Ginny sneaking up on her, everything. **

**So the answer to answer to last time's joke thing. **_**(What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?)**_** Frost bite!**

**This time's joke? It's more a riddle: ****A man who worked in the butcher shop was 6 feet tall, had red hair and wore size 11 shoes. What did he weigh?**

**As always, I answer the riddle in REVIEW REPLIES. Hint. **


End file.
